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Jan 31
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers: “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Feb 8
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mom, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Feb 14
Valentines
The lover's holiday has its beginnings in the 4th century B.C. in Rome. The roman held an annual lottery where young men would draw a young woman's name from a box. The couple would be assigned to each other the entire year for entertainment and pleasure.This celebration, traditionally held on February 15th, also included banquets, dancing and foot races run in the nude
Around A.D. 496 early church fathers sought an end to pagan practice, but knew better than to upset the citizens by removing the lottery completely. Instead they had teenagers pull the names of saints from the box.The teen was supposed to spend the year emulating the saint's life as much as possible, which was probably not as much fun as naked marathons. St. Valentine was chosen the patron saint of the new event, and young Roman men resorted to courting females by sending handwritten notes deliver on February 14.